


A Cassiline’s Vows

by lil_utterance (persephone_flees)



Category: Kushiel's Legacy - Jacqueline Carey
Genre: Community: kink_bingo, F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-19
Updated: 2010-07-19
Packaged: 2017-10-10 16:36:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/101843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persephone_flees/pseuds/lil_utterance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was true, I realized, as Joscelin pulled me towards him, cradling my body with the length of his own; and it was a truth that Nicola had recognized before either of us.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Cassiline’s Vows

**Author's Note:**

> A/N || Warning: written for the kink_bingo community on Dreamwidth. Prompt: wildcard (orgasm control)

I, perhaps as much as any other, know the truth of how Elua's Companions must have felt as they made their choices, the ones which would seem to bar them from ever again sharing a mutual understanding.

After all, I live with one who worships Cassiel; one who once considered my view of love as misguided as Cassiel must have considered those of the rest of Elua's Companions.

Though I still admit, freely, that Kushiel is not the easiest of the Companions to understand, I truly thought Joscelin and I would destroy each other before the presence of our two Companions could exist simultaneously in a single household.

And the compromise that led to our accomplishment was not a true compromise at all.

He betrayed his principles for me; he is willing to be damned for me.

He chose his desire for me over his duty to the Brotherhood.

And though he says that his duty is now to me, that his duty and his desire are no longer in conflict, I can still feel the schism within him.

***

"Ask her."

I rarely frowned at my beloved, but this was one of those times.

"Joscelin," I began, still not understanding how I had come to be involved in an argument he could not honestly desire to win, "I'm not sure-"

"Phèdre," he said. "Ask her."

I studied his face for a moment, before offering him a slow nod. "If you're sure."

"I am." His voice sounded even, but I could feel the way his eyes never strayed from my form as I moved to cross the room.

Next to the door, I paused. "And what part of your vows is this?"

"To serve," he said simply, and I could find no argument to offer.

***

Nicola stood above me as I knelt and performed her preferred act of worship; with each stroke of my tongue on Naamah's pearl, she cried out her appreciation, her words forming a litany that could only serve to please that very goddess.

I, of course, had already been made to call out to the one who never seemed to tire of his claim on my desires. Kushiel's hold on me had been strong this day, and my cries - my pleas - stronger still; and yet, it was the steel of Nicola's words that echoed loudest in my mind, drowning out even the memory of the beating of bronze wings.

She had been merciless, and even now, my fingers searching out the heat of her, her taste thick and rich on my tongue, I wanted to beg her forgiveness. And she knew of it, of my desire. She always knew.

"Your forgiveness is only bought with my pleasure," she informed me, her fingernails tracing paths along the tenderest of the weals that lined my back.

Unable to help myself, I cried out again, and she smiled.

"Impress me."

And so I obeyed, my eagerness to please familiar, but the pleasure I received from succumbing to my patron - succumbing to her - never ceasing to strike me anew.

She remained standing above me, even as she shuddered against me, first once, then again, her tremors strong enough to cause an echo of pleasure to suffuse my own skin.

"Enough," she finally groaned, sliding down the floor to rest beside me. Her hands sought out the tangle of dark hair that framed my face; threading her fingers through the damp curls, she pulled my mouth to hers in a rough kiss. I whimpered as her teeth sank into my lower lip, the sound drawn from me partially from arousal, partially from surprise. Usually, after, she was gentle, even if I did not yet wish it so.

After a few moments, when I thought I could no longer endure the sharpness of her caress without begging for more, she softened the contact; her lips lightly brushed my own as she pulled back to search my face.

I nodded at her unspoken question. It was enough. She had played me perfectly, as I had her; one of the rare times when her needs exactly matched and met my own.

She smiled and guided my body downwards with her hands until my head rested in her lap. As she stroked my hair, I pressed my lips against her wrist, the cool edge of the love token I had given her digging into the side of my cheek.

"I never take it off," she told me, one of her fingers reaching out to trace where the gold of the bracelet met the softness of my skin.

"I'm glad," I said quietly, looking away from her. Despite my earlier lack of inhibitions, the knowledge of the request I had come to ask of her made me almost shy now that it had come time to voice the words.

Her hand stilled against my face. "What do you need?" she asked, her tone containing the barest hint of concern.

I wanted to reassure her, but I had not yet managed to reassure myself.

"Joscelin wants to accompany me the next time I visit you."

"He is always welcome here," she said, hesitantly, and I knew she feared to presume.

"He desires that you should instruct him in Naamah's arts." I finally chanced a glance back at her, wondering, but her expression was merely thoughtful.

"I see," she said, her tone indicating that she didn't, not quite. "You mean he desires to understand the worship of Kushiel."

"Understand, yes. I'm not certain he'll wish to go any further."

Nicola leaned down and kissed me then, knowing the cost of such an admission.

"Bring him anytime you wish," she said, when we finally broke apart. "I assume he chose me for no other reason than he trusts me with you--or is there more here that I should know about?"

I shook my head.

"He really is your Cassiline," she remarked as she leaned down towards me again, and I closed my eyes as she pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.

***

It might have been Joscelin's idea, but an outside observer would not have known that he had accompanied me to Nicola's under anything but duress. Intimidating normally, today I watched as the servants blanched white under the intensity of his gaze.

"They're only taking our coats, love," I said to him quietly, in an attempt to remind him that others should not bear the consequences for our adherence to each other. _Love as thou wilt _might be the precept of Elua, but sometimes I still feared that we blasphemed even in our obedience to this, the most blessed of his commands.

Joscelin eyed me, but said nothing, and then Nicola was in the entryway, her expression serene as she walked over to where we stood, hovering, just inside her front door.

When she reached us, she immediately kissed me in greeting, then reached out a hand to Joscelin, her fingers brushing his cheek as she offered him her mouth. He accepted, but when she began to pull away from him, he caught her wrist between his fingers and held her gaze.

"I am not something you can tame."

Nicola looked surprised, then amused. "I had not even thought to try."

He visibly relaxed at her words, the lines around his mouth softening. For the first time since we exited our carriage, he no longer gave the impression of being encased in stone, and I found myself relaxing too, newly hopeful for the outcome of the afternoon.

And Nicola was not finished. "As beautiful as you are, you presume too much," she said, tilting her head back to study the planes of his face. "I am certain I would not find you a satisfactory pet."

His mouth twitched as he offered her a hint of a smile. "As you say."

"Shall we begin?" she asked me, and led the way as soon as I had nodded my assent.

***

I had never doubted Nicola's cleverness, but it was of a variety much different from my own. Barely had I disrobed and taken my position, kneeling abeyente in front of her, before she began to instruct me.

"Phèdre," she said, her voice hard, and I could sense Joscelin shift in his chair, tensing as he struggled not to vocally object to her tone. "You have made vows to me before."

"Yes, my lady," I replied quietly, my head bowed.

Ah, Elua, what would Joscelin think of me? Would he view this type of game as a degradation of all the sacrifices he had made in coming to terms with his own vows?

Nicola reached down and gripped my chin between her fingers, tipping my head up so that I had to look at her. "Recite them to me now."

It was the first time I had ever disobeyed her, as I knelt there staring up at her in silence, trembling, unable to form the words her order required. She gave me a moment or two before she spoke again, and although her expression hadn't softened, I knew she had recognized my distress.

"Will you obey me?" she asked, easing the parameters of the game as she provided a place for me to begin.

"Yes."

"How will you obey me?"

"In all things."

"What do I want?"

"For me to deny myself."

"Do you give me your word?"

"Yes."

She stroked a finger down my cheek and her smile held more than a hint of cruelty.

"Good. I'm going to tie the knots now."

I shuddered as she pulled out the ropes, the very same ones as she had used during our first assignation. I hadn't realized, before now, how difficult she was going to make my promise for me to keep. My self control always met its match when she bound me as she was now proposing to do; her delighted laughter from the last time we had engaged in the practice still rang in my ears.

That time, I had spent before she even finished tying the knots.

I sucked in a breath as she slipped a length of the silken coil between my thighs, and she stopped to glare at me.

"You promised," she said, her disapproval coloring her voice, and I found myself despairing that I had already disappointed her.

With a great deal of effort I managed to keep my body from reacting as she finished securing the rest of my bindings; and I breathed a quiet sigh of relief when she finally stepped back from me, even though I knew the hardest part was yet to come.

Nicola was clothed only in a shift; in one soft rustle of material she had completely disrobed. I heard Joscelin make a noise low in his throat, and I couldn't help but echo his opinion. Elua, but she was beautiful.

"Please me," she said, shifting forward to give me better access.

I felt the bonds tighten around my wrists as I leaned into her, but still I obeyed, ever eager, welcoming the pain I knew my actions would bring. She allowed me to continue for several minutes uninterrupted, before she slid a hand up my neck and tangled her fingers in my hair.

When she wrenched my head back, my eyes teared with the force of it, and I cried out as pain and pleasure merged, the knot she had tied between my thighs already impossibly damp.

She watched me impassively, waiting until I had myself back under control before she addressed me.

"You gave me your word," she said.

"Yes, my lady. And I will keep it."

She nodded, pleased. "Then you may continue."

I did, gladly, but had only just managed to set a rhythm before the ropes around me shifted, and I was once again writhing in my bonds. Nicola's laughter did not help my situation, the timbre of it sending shivers through me that impeded my efforts to regain control of myself; at present she owned me completely, both body and breath.

Nicola knew it, her gaze possessive as she surveyed her handiwork. When it became clear that I would need a few minutes, she stepped back again and slid her own hand between her legs. She made it clear through a single look that I was being ordered to watch. I forced myself to swallow a moan as her fingers began to move, knowing that only stillness could help me now.

"Her nature is at odds with itself, you know," Nicola said conversationally, the hitch in her breathing as she continued pleasuring herself hardly noticeable. Although she never looked away from me as she spoke, her words were obviously for Joscelin's benefit. "There is the desire to obey, to please. To respect her vows."

"I know," Joscelin said. His voice sounded unsteady, but I didn't dare look over at him.

"I'm not sure you do. Because, you see, she is also the most beautifully sensitive partner I have ever encountered. Although my skills in the bedroom are not lacking, I do no apply them here out of necessity. Observe."

Holding my gaze, she slid her hand out from between her thighs and reached forward to gently tug at one of my bindings. The sensation of it, the scent of her, had me gasping almost immediately, and I bit down to stifle the pleading words that now filled my mind.

"This is the edge you want," Nicola told him, finally turning away from me. "The one between pleasure and pain. You don't have to hurt her, not physically. The application of pain can simply be the denial of pleasure." She held his gaze. "Make her desires and her duty irreconcilable."

He offered her a short bow, the motion lacking some of its normal grace. "I understand."

"I thought you would," she turned back to me. "Or at least that much of it. She does still feel the lash as a kiss, it's true, and that's something I understand."

Her words were rich and darkly promising, and I bit my lip to stifle another moan.

"Another day, Phèdre," she promised me, brushing a few curls back from my face with her hand. "For now, I think it's time that Joscelin joined us."

I had thought he would protest, shy at the presence of another, but whatever had just passed between them had apparently removed the last of his reticence. She had passed his test, gained his trust. Even bound and ready as I was, I still had the presence of mind to find her success impressive.

Joscelin walked over to join us, his blue eyes warm as his gaze sought my own. As he readied himself for me, Nicola watched approvingly.

"I might have to insist you wear less clothing next time, Cassiline."

He smiled wryly. "And I might have to insist that you be the one who watches."

She laughed. "Are you promising to teach me something, then? That does sound interesting."

"Nicola," I said, trying not to sound desperate, and she leaned down to kiss me, allowing me to read her apology in the gentle caress of her lips.

Standing, she turned to Joscelin. "Tell her."

He moved closer to me. "Phèdre, would you-"

Nicola shook her head impatiently. "No. _Tell_ her."

He offered her a mild look, before returning his attention to me.

"Phèdre, I want you," he said, and I tried not to smile at Nicola's sigh of exasperation.

Taking him in my mouth, I performed the languisement. It was not my best work, my body had grown truly desperate by now, but the way he groaned my name and threaded his fingers through my hair did not speak to any particular complaint.

"Tighten your grip," Nicola said to him quietly, one of her hands resting gently on his hip as she studied me over his shoulder.

He did as she suggested, and she smiled to watch my motions quicken and to see the strain in my shoulders as I struggled with wanting to have the use of my hands.

"It is not pain," she said, "not exactly, but you see how she reacts?"

Joscelin's only response was to groan at the feel of my tongue curling against him, around him, and Nicola seemed to realize that the lesson had almost finished.

"Tell her," she said, again, and this time Joscelin listened.

"Phèdre," he said. "_Now_."

I felt the knot ride up between my thighs as I shifted upwards to take him in deeper, and then we were shuddering against each other, his hold on me tight enough to bruise, and Nicola was behind me, bracing me so that I didn't collapse onto the floor when it was finally done.

I leaned my head back on her shoulder as I caught my breath afterwards, licking some of Joscelin's seed off my lips and watching him come back to himself.

"Are you alright, love?" he asked, as soon as he managed to open his eyes again, dropping down by my side and placing one hand on my thigh and the other on Nicola's shoulder. "Do you want me to untie you?"

Instinctively, I looked over to Nicola for permission, and she laughed at the chagrined look that Joscelin couldn't quite suppress.

"You may remove her bindings," she told him.

Joscelin gazed at me for a moment, taking in my dishevelment and the flush that had not yet left my skin, and then he looked back over at Nicola.

"Do we have to remove them all at once?" he asked her.

She laughed again as I whimpered, and the smile she directed at me was very fond.

"You wouldn't really like it if we did, would you Phèdre?"

"No, my lady," I said softly, my head bowed as I felt the need rise within me again.

***

When we returned home that evening, both Joscelin and I were subdued. I felt better than I had in weeks, sated in ways I had not previously considered possible; but I still did not know how much of what he had just witnessed that Joscelin wished to accept.

"I'm going out to the courtyard," he said, and I watched his retreating form, non-plussed, unsure if he wished me to follow.

I quickly decided against it, knowing myself the value of silence, and hoping that when he felt ready to speak, he would come to me.

So, instead of worrying, I simply bathed and retired to our bed. I was too tired to do aught else productive, and as the years have passed I have come to recognize the value that several extra hours of rest can bring to a weighted conversation.

It was the middle of the night when I awoke to find Joscelin lying beside me, studying me. When he saw that my eyes had opened, he traced the curve of my cheek with a finger, and smiled sadly.

"I did not know you understood it so well," he said quietly, his gaze searching my own.

My conflict paled in significance next to his own, as he well knew. But I understood how the realization would affect him so, and I knew that Nicola had too.

"You've known for a long time that belonging to Kushiel does not come without a price."

"Yes," he said, "but our conflicts regarding our different forms of worship are not so very different as I once thought."

It was true, I realized, as he pulled me towards him, cradling my body with the length of his own; and it was a truth that Nicola had recognized before either of us.

We both had to find compromises between our duty and our desires.

And, above all else, we both lived to serve.


End file.
